"Fight Song"

I have a wicked case of writers block. I've sat at my laptop several times and tried to bang something out and I get halfway done and then nothing. It has been incredibly frustrating for me but a recent conversation with a cheer mom friend put my mind at ease. "You'll go back to it when you're ready" she said and she's right. I had to really think about what was holding me back from writing and I realized that I have been putting too much pressure on myself to be positive. That applies to my life as well and this week has shown me exactly what can happen when you force yourself to a place you are not ready for.

I've known a breakdown was coming since before Halloween. I was feeling really worn out and was having a hard time focusing on anything. My patience were running very thin both at work and at home. Simple tasks like loading the dishwasher or even picking out my clothes were leaving me in tears. It sounds silly but when you are in such a fragile mental state the most normal activities can be incredibly overwhelming. Last weekend was the one Saturday all year that I have to work and it couldn't have come at a worse time. I needed to be there because it was a project I had been working on for months and I wanted to see it through to the end so I put my bravest face on and tried my hardest to get through. Fake it till you make it right?! Well it was tough but I managed, Saturday afternoon was a lot of hiding my tears, thankfully I have a great group of coworkers that kept me distracted.

Monday I went to work in the morning and had an appointment with my doctor in the afternoon. I was tearing up all the time and I was exhausted. I think at that point I was maybe getting three hours of sleep a night, constantly waking up to check on the girls or waking from nightmares about that fateful phone call. I'd wake up thrashing and covered in sweat and then be afraid to go back to sleep. The doctor had me fill out a questionnaire about my mental health and I scored very high for depression. I have suffered bouts of depression in the past but this time it feels different. It is an all consuming sadness that I can't pull myself out of. The doctor told me to take the rest of the week off and get some rest and I cried when I brought my note in to work. I felt like such a disappointment to everyone.

I started some medication for depression and anxiety on Monday as well and I was feeling a little more settled at bedtime. I had to sit the girls down and talk to both of them about what was keeping me awake. It was hard for me to tell them that I now live in constant fear that one of them is going to take their own life. It was like ripping a Band-Aid off a fresh wound and there were lots of tears shed that night. I think it will be something I always worry about now, the trick is not to let it consume me and it's going to be a long road to get there. The girls have similar fears to my own, they realize just how unpredictable life is. All I can do is tell them they can't live their life worrying that someone you love is going to die and then try to take my own advice.

Tuesday was an exciting day for Jason and I. We have been exploring the idea of expanding our family for about eighteen months or so and finally decided to see a fertility specialist. So we got up early and drove to Saskatoon to see her and then had lunch at one of our favorite spots before making the drive back. The phone call for the appointment came on the one month anniversary of McKynleys passing and that reassured me that we were making the right decision by moving forward. I had a serious conversation with Sarah about how this would affect our family dynamic and was comforted to know that her and Todd would be excited to welcome a new little one into our mix and both Alexis and Kennedy are excited at the prospect of a baby brother or sister.  We don't know if it will happen yet, we both have to have some extensive testing done to make sure we can physically do it and then see if it is even financially feasible for us before anything is set in stone. I joked we might have to have a few steak nights and my Mom said that they do it for boob jobs so why not a baby!­­ It's probably something that we should have done years ago but now that Jason is officially stable (his doctor told us the good news a few weeks back) it feels like the right time.

Tuesday night my world came crashing down. Jason and I had an argument about a punishment for Alexis I didn't agree with and that lead to me spinning out of control. I picked a fight with him and then took off in my car for an hour without my phone before coming home and completely falling apart. I think I cried and raged for a solid three hours curled up in a ball in the middle of the bed like a child. I spent a good while on the phone with Cindy that night and then fell asleep in Jason's arms still a little weepy but wrung out. Women always put their families needs ahead of their own and that's what I have done for that last few weeks but it was finally time for me to deal with the fact that McKynley is dead and there is nothing I can do to fix it. It was actually Sarah that said it was going to hit me eventually because I didn't listen when everyone told me to take care of myself and when it did she was there to help pick up the pieces. Someday I will find a way to repay the people that have stood by me through all of this, I'd be lost without them.

I'm starting to feel more like myself and I hope the blog posts continue to come as easily as this one did. I found out that I am not the only writer in the family. Kennedy has been journaling her journey through this experience as well and I hope that she will agree to let me share some of her thoughts with you. Leave a comment if that's something you'd be interested in reading and I will try to convince her.

Love and Laughter,
Jen