"To Where You Are"

After this post I'd like to switch gears a little. There are so many positive happy things that I can share along with the more serious topics and it's time to shift focus for a while. Before I do that I'd like to share the beautiful poem that Cindy wrote for us and read at McKynley's balloon release on Saturday. She also gave us a Harley Quinn bank to keep our dimes in (read "Losing my Religion" to find out about our dimes) and it has a place of honour on her shelf. If you don't know, Harley Quinn was one of Micks favorites, she even wanted her Uncle Jamie to tattoo blue and red diamond patterned cuffs on her when she was old enough. I also want to share with you the message for McKynley and Jason that I wrote and read at the balloon release. Saying it aloud was as therapeutic for me as writing it and made me think I might have to take this blog on a speaking tour one day. Hey, A girl can dream right?

It was a blustery Saskatchewan day on Saturday and Lexie and I struggled with the balloons, eight red and eight black, as soon as we left the store. We had a giggle about them pummeling me in the face and trying to stuff them in the back of my car and agreed McKynley would have been laughing her butt off. That speaks to where we are right now, her name is always on the tip of our tongues but it's not always because we're sad. We want to share the memories with each other so we don't ever forget them. By the time we got to the park the wind had the balloons in a tangled mess so Jason let the whole bunch go together and we stood and watched it until they disappeared into the heavens. We needed a tradition, something to mark the birthdays and anniversaries, and balloons will be it. Always sixteen, eight red and eight black, sent up to the stars.

"I met McKynley when she was six years old. A tiny little thing with blonde hair and glasses just like her Daddy's I remember her sitting on Jason's lap in the front seat of his PT Cruiser bursting with energy and I wondered how such a loud voice could come out of such a tiny human .

Greif is the price of love and we are paying dearly. Sixteen years of memories are not enough to sustain us in the many years ahead. The pain of a short life cuts deep and the wound will never really heal. but we will hold tight to those memories we do have and  daydream about the ones we should have been given. We will see McKynley in our daily lives and smile and remember.

I will see her every time I see Kennedy do a silly dance because lets be honest the girl had some moves! I'll see her in every drawing Alexis does, McKynley's love of art was contagious, she always encouraged Lexie to keep practicing. But I'll see her most when I look at her dad. She was his Mini Me. Every time I hear him sing I will remember the beautiful gift they shared and every bad joke that leaves me rolling my eyes will make me think how she would have thought it was hilarious. sometimes I just didn't get their humour.

No matter what, little girls hold a special spot in their heart for their Daddy and McKynley was no exception. Watching Jason be her Dad, the light in his eyes when she was around, was a joy and a gift.

McKynley,

I will never understand why you had to leave us so soon but I hope that you were able to find peace. Your Dad and sisters and I love you very much and will spend a lifetime missing you. Rest easy sweet girl, we will look for you amongst the stars."

Dimes

Jingling, jangling, simple dimes

A futile coin with so much shine

But what you lack in net worth

You make up well for here on earth

You deliver messages from above

From those who've passed to those they love

Silver disks are such a soothing sign

An indication the deceased are fine

The departed linger in our space

And dimes from them are a saving grace

They leave them in spots for us to see

A modest keepsake for you and me

A tiny reminder, a glimmer of hope

Some encouragement while we grieve and cope

Little hints throughout the passing of time

Till we meet again we share dimes

~Cindy Renauld

Love and Laughter,

Jen