The stigma surrounding mental illness is still forcing those that deal with into shamed silence so as a spouse it's rare to find a solid support system because people just don't talk about it. I've been incredibly lucky to have a close friend that goes through the same daily struggles with her husband as I do with mine. If it wasn't for Cindy there is a good chance that I would have given up on Jason and our marriage before his diagnosis but she held fast and pushed me into getting the help she realized he needed before anyone else did. Seeing her deal with her husband Dusty, who is Jason's childhood friend, gave me hope in the tough times that things would get better. She's my person, the one I call laughing or crying or swearing, and even though life doesn't always make time for us to physically see each other I always have her in my heart pushing me along. Here is her take on Bipolar marriage and our friendship:
"Jen and I have been friends for close to a decade. I
have been blessed to be a part of her circle as our spouses are like brothers. I
often call her my wife. She is my cheerleader when I need it and I hope she
thinks I am hers. We don't hang out all the time. We have spurts where we do
lots, then life comes along with it's demands and we will go months before a
good coffee check-in. That's how it is when you have a family and are married
to someone with a mental health disorder. You make a habit of routine and
stability even if it means your social life takes a back seat.
Like Jens husband my spouse Dusty falls under the bipolar
spectrum. He was diagnosed with BPD as a teenager with a final diagnosis of
BPD II as of 2013 after a severe depressive episode caused by mixing his BPD meds with a smoking cessation aid prescribed by his doctor. Now, everyone knows of
someone with BPD, but knowing it and living with it are two different things. When
it's in your house there is no turning a blind eye. BPD doesn't disappear after
medication. It is always there and it has it's own agenda.
Over the years, Dusty and I have developed a circle of
care for him. He has his people he talks to and I have mine. My first go-to
person regarding his BPD is Jen. She gets my worries, my frustrations, and
most important, the humour I use to get through it. Some people would find it tacky or
insensitive but It's a coping mechanism and she relates. Sometimes I don't handle things as well
as I should and she is my teammate. She can redirect me with a few words or relieve
me from feeling like I am irrational. Jen also understands the effort needed to
make our marriages work. All marriages have commitment, however there is a deeper
level of commitment when your in a relationship with someone who has BPD (or
any other emotional disorder.) It is work. Hard ass daily work and often it feels very
one sided. I know... I sound
straightforward and callous but don't be fooled, I wouldn't change my
choices of being married to him for anything even when everyday comes with a new challenge... or
an old one. In our lives we never trade in mental health for physical health. If that means we keep a quiet night or our circles small we do it. We do whatever it takes to enjoy our present as we are not promised a future.
Jen is an inspiration. I am in awe a lot of the time on
how well she deals with all that comes her way. I have often told Jen that I feel
she is the only one who gets my struggles regarding this. Being married to a
person with BPD isn't always a picnic. Sometimes it feels like you're having
caviar in a soup kitchen. Dusty is my favourite person he just happens to have
BPD. I will do whatever work it takes to keep us doing well.
Be good or be good at it,
Cindy
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