Ride On

Bipolar Disorder: An interview. It's something I have been wanting to do for a long time and Jayse not only surprisingly agreed but was eager to share his story. Our goal continues to be to break down the stigma of mental health and to get people talking about some of the less desirable topics like suicide and grief. The conversation was difficult in spots but I appreciated his openness and honesty and I think I was able to authentically capture what he was trying to convey.

 Q: Tell me about your childhood and the first memory you have of experiencing bipolar symptoms

     I was an Army brat. We moved every two years until I was fourteen and my dad retired and we settled in Saskatchewan. I had reoccurring nightmares for as long as I can remember about these long stretchy stick figures walking through doors towards me. The rooms kept getting longer and the doors would zoom by. I would wake up in cold sweats, they were almost like hallucinations. I had a stutter and I would fixate on words. When I was around twelve years old I was out riding bikes with my friend when out of the blue I wanted to hurt him for no reason so I just wound up and hit him. I think that's the hardest thing for people to understand. You just get these unexplainable urges. My parents didn't understand, the kids parents didn't get it and I couldn't explain it to them. Back then they didn't try to figure it out.

Q: Lets talk about your diagnosis 

       My diagnosis is Bipolar Schizoaffective Disorder, ADHD, Agoraphobia and Generalized Anxiety.  It's almost like there are two of me. Like you know those monsters with two heads that are constantly arguing? It's like that but one of them is not nice. I call him Hyde. He mostly shows up during manic and depressive episodes and he points out all the bad things to get me down. He tells me I'm worthless and that things would be better if I wasn't here and it just makes any insecurities that much worse. Going manic is like when he takes control and he gets the reins and he's going to do what he wants and he doesn't give a fuck. He does stuff that I would never do and I know that sounds like some asshole reason to be a douche bag but it's like being in the back seat of a car, you know where you're going but you're not driving. I know some of the things I'm doing are wrong but I just don't care at the time and it bugs me that I don't care and I feel guilty about it later. And the medications don't always help, I've had quite a few of what the doctor calls "dissident episodes". I call them "What The Fucks". There are also physical symptoms like insomnia; my record for days without sleep is ten. I see things like mice, spiders, birds and sometimes people that aren't there. But by far the worst symptom is the back convulsions. The worse the episode is the worse they get. It affects my speech and it's terrible and it's like the stutter I had when I was a kid. If you didn't know what it was you might think I have Parkinson's Disease, I have a constant need to move. The only positive about it is that it's a good clue that I'm going into a manic episode.     

    The other diagnoses are pretty easy to manage in comparison. I always have Ativan with me and I know what my limits are. Something that's starting to bug me is the Tardive Dyskinesia that is a lasting side effect from a medication called Latuda. It's a facial tick that makes my mouth move and it looks like I'm talking to somebody. Currently there are no treatments offered for it in Canada but hopefully there will be something approved here soon.

Q: How has bipolar disorder impacted your life?

     I mean I made a lot of bad choices. I didn't go to high school really at all and when I was there, there wasn't a lot of learning being done. I was self medicating with drugs, whatever pills I could get my hands on and I drank heavily and that lasted well into my twenties. People have told me that three days was all they could do with me before I was medicated because back then I tended to lean more towards the manic side. I was a good Dad but the bad choices I was making impacted the amount of time I was able to see my daughter when she was little. Post-diagnosis I will never be 100% independent. I will always need help recognizing and managing symptoms and I'll always be under the care of a Psychiatrist. 

Q: Besides medication what helps you deal with all of this?

    Exercise is a big one. Playing my guitar and listening to music. Having a supportive spouse, it would be a lot shittier if I was doing it alone. And my "therapy cat" Bugz. 

Q: How has McKynleys suicide impacted your mental health and how has it changed your own views on suicide?

   Things just hit me different now. There is always sadness right under the surface and I cry more easily and over stupid things. Other peoples sadness tends to affect me more and I just can't listen to certain songs. I don't know, I try not to think about it. I mean there are thousands of suicides everyday that you don't hear about and the ones you do hear about are often people who have diagnosed metal illness. Look at Chris Cornell and Robin Williams. I don't want to put anyone through that but when "Hyde" comes out  in the dark times that is his number one priority and I have to fight with him. I can't speak for anyone else but that's how it is for me and it's hard. 

Q: What would you say to someone newly diagnosed with Bipolar disorder?

    Work with your doctor to get a medication plan and a treatment plan and stick to it. That's the most important thing. Take care of yourself, make sure you get the proper amount of sleep. Exercise. It doesn't have to be going to the gym, go for walks. Get up and walk around your house if that's all you can do but you have to get the serotonin going. Talk. Find someone you can confide in and tell them how you are feeling. Talking helps you realize that you are not going through it alone. Try programs and support groups. They might not be for you but there are plenty of good supports out there. Don't be ashamed, you can't change it. 

Q: Any final thoughts?

     Don't let your diagnosis define you. My life is pretty normal most of the time and I work and do the things that I love. The "What The Fucks" happen but you deal with them and you move on. Don't get caught up in the "What If's" that will drive you crazy.  You have to find the positives and take the rest as it comes. 

Love and Laughter, 

Jen and Jayse

Fiddlers Green

Grief. It feels like a dirty word that sticks in the back of your throat when you say it. I have been thinking a lot about our grief journey recently. If you would have told me in the days after McKinley's passing that we would be where we are today, with two happy and healthy kids about to go to college and a strong marriage I wouldn't have believed you. Those first days just felt so impossible. 

One thing I get told a lot is that losing a child is the worst thing that someone can go through but grief isn't a competition. There is no worse or better grief. I would argue that a tragic loss, like suicide, is a bigger shock than a death that is expected and it may take longer to process and accept but a loss is still a loss expected or not. We need to stop telling ourselves that others have it worse and this was only my sibling or friend or parent and I'll be fine. Instead we need to say "I'm not ok" and "I need time to grieve this person I love". We need to give ourselves grace and ask others to do the same, the grieving process takes time and it is different for everyone. We have made it to this point with the love and support of our friends and family and by supporting each other. The four of us have a special bond after navigating this storm. We have shared tears and laughter and awkward moments and we are the only people that truly understand what it's like for the others. We have lived it together. We also have our three furry therapists to thank. We have cried on them and and held them tight in the bad times and they have kept us entertained with their shenanigans and been the light on the darkest of days. 

Grief changes as time goes on and we have learned to live our life without McKynley. The overwhelming sadness of those first days has eased. We have celebrated many holidays and birthdays without her now and while there are still sad moments our memories get us through. Her death has made us realize how short and precious our time is on this earth. We are coming up on the fifth year of McKynleys death this fall. She missed out on so much life and I always wonder what greatness she would have brought to this world. We thought of her when the girls picked out their grad dresses knowing she would have hated the princess styles and would have gone for something a little more edgy and red. She probably would have gone to college for something to do with animals or something in the art field like Lexie is taking. She may have even played college soccer. We will spend a lifetime wondering what could have been as we go trough all of these milestones with Alexis and Kennedy but we don't let that sadness take away from these moments. 

Grief Land is an ok place to visit now and then but you can't live there. 

Love and Laughter, 

~Jen ~