Bipolar Disorder: An interview. It's something I have been wanting to do for a long time and Jayse not only surprisingly agreed but was eager to share his story. Our goal continues to be to break down the stigma of mental health and to get people talking about some of the less desirable topics like suicide and grief. The conversation was difficult in spots but I appreciated his openness and honesty and I think I was able to authentically capture what he was trying to convey.
Q: Tell me about your childhood and the first memory you have of experiencing bipolar symptoms
I was an Army brat. We moved every two years until I was fourteen and my dad retired and we settled in Saskatchewan. I had reoccurring nightmares for as long as I can remember about these long stretchy stick figures walking through doors towards me. The rooms kept getting longer and the doors would zoom by. I would wake up in cold sweats, they were almost like hallucinations. I had a stutter and I would fixate on words. When I was around twelve years old I was out riding bikes with my friend when out of the blue I wanted to hurt him for no reason so I just wound up and hit him. I think that's the hardest thing for people to understand. You just get these unexplainable urges. My parents didn't understand, the kids parents didn't get it and I couldn't explain it to them. Back then they didn't try to figure it out.
Q: Lets talk about your diagnosis
My diagnosis is Bipolar Schizoaffective Disorder, ADHD, Agoraphobia and Generalized Anxiety. It's almost like there are two of me. Like you know those monsters with two heads that are constantly arguing? It's like that but one of them is not nice. I call him Hyde. He mostly shows up during manic and depressive episodes and he points out all the bad things to get me down. He tells me I'm worthless and that things would be better if I wasn't here and it just makes any insecurities that much worse. Going manic is like when he takes control and he gets the reins and he's going to do what he wants and he doesn't give a fuck. He does stuff that I would never do and I know that sounds like some asshole reason to be a douche bag but it's like being in the back seat of a car, you know where you're going but you're not driving. I know some of the things I'm doing are wrong but I just don't care at the time and it bugs me that I don't care and I feel guilty about it later. And the medications don't always help, I've had quite a few of what the doctor calls "dissident episodes". I call them "What The Fucks". There are also physical symptoms like insomnia; my record for days without sleep is ten. I see things like mice, spiders, birds and sometimes people that aren't there. But by far the worst symptom is the back convulsions. The worse the episode is the worse they get. It affects my speech and it's terrible and it's like the stutter I had when I was a kid. If you didn't know what it was you might think I have Parkinson's Disease, I have a constant need to move. The only positive about it is that it's a good clue that I'm going into a manic episode.
The other diagnoses are pretty easy to manage in comparison. I always have Ativan with me and I know what my limits are. Something that's starting to bug me is the Tardive Dyskinesia that is a lasting side effect from a medication called Latuda. It's a facial tick that makes my mouth move and it looks like I'm talking to somebody. Currently there are no treatments offered for it in Canada but hopefully there will be something approved here soon.
Q: How has bipolar disorder impacted your life?
I mean I made a lot of bad choices. I didn't go to high school really at all and when I was there, there wasn't a lot of learning being done. I was self medicating with drugs, whatever pills I could get my hands on and I drank heavily and that lasted well into my twenties. People have told me that three days was all they could do with me before I was medicated because back then I tended to lean more towards the manic side. I was a good Dad but the bad choices I was making impacted the amount of time I was able to see my daughter when she was little. Post-diagnosis I will never be 100% independent. I will always need help recognizing and managing symptoms and I'll always be under the care of a Psychiatrist.
Q: Besides medication what helps you deal with all of this?
Exercise is a big one. Playing my guitar and listening to music. Having a supportive spouse, it would be a lot shittier if I was doing it alone. And my "therapy cat" Bugz.
Q: How has McKynleys suicide impacted your mental health and how has it changed your own views on suicide?
Things just hit me different now. There is always sadness right under the surface and I cry more easily and over stupid things. Other peoples sadness tends to affect me more and I just can't listen to certain songs. I don't know, I try not to think about it. I mean there are thousands of suicides everyday that you don't hear about and the ones you do hear about are often people who have diagnosed metal illness. Look at Chris Cornell and Robin Williams. I don't want to put anyone through that but when "Hyde" comes out in the dark times that is his number one priority and I have to fight with him. I can't speak for anyone else but that's how it is for me and it's hard.
Q: What would you say to someone newly diagnosed with Bipolar disorder?
Work with your doctor to get a medication plan and a treatment plan and stick to it. That's the most important thing. Take care of yourself, make sure you get the proper amount of sleep. Exercise. It doesn't have to be going to the gym, go for walks. Get up and walk around your house if that's all you can do but you have to get the serotonin going. Talk. Find someone you can confide in and tell them how you are feeling. Talking helps you realize that you are not going through it alone. Try programs and support groups. They might not be for you but there are plenty of good supports out there. Don't be ashamed, you can't change it.
Q: Any final thoughts?
Don't let your diagnosis define you. My life is pretty normal most of the time and I work and do the things that I love. The "What The Fucks" happen but you deal with them and you move on. Don't get caught up in the "What If's" that will drive you crazy. You have to find the positives and take the rest as it comes.
Love and Laughter,
Jen and Jayse
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