Fiddlers Green

Grief. It feels like a dirty word that sticks in the back of your throat when you say it. I have been thinking a lot about our grief journey recently. If you would have told me in the days after McKinley's passing that we would be where we are today, with two happy and healthy kids about to go to college and a strong marriage I wouldn't have believed you. Those first days just felt so impossible. 

One thing I get told a lot is that losing a child is the worst thing that someone can go through but grief isn't a competition. There is no worse or better grief. I would argue that a tragic loss, like suicide, is a bigger shock than a death that is expected and it may take longer to process and accept but a loss is still a loss expected or not. We need to stop telling ourselves that others have it worse and this was only my sibling or friend or parent and I'll be fine. Instead we need to say "I'm not ok" and "I need time to grieve this person I love". We need to give ourselves grace and ask others to do the same, the grieving process takes time and it is different for everyone. We have made it to this point with the love and support of our friends and family and by supporting each other. The four of us have a special bond after navigating this storm. We have shared tears and laughter and awkward moments and we are the only people that truly understand what it's like for the others. We have lived it together. We also have our three furry therapists to thank. We have cried on them and and held them tight in the bad times and they have kept us entertained with their shenanigans and been the light on the darkest of days. 

Grief changes as time goes on and we have learned to live our life without McKynley. The overwhelming sadness of those first days has eased. We have celebrated many holidays and birthdays without her now and while there are still sad moments our memories get us through. Her death has made us realize how short and precious our time is on this earth. We are coming up on the fifth year of McKynleys death this fall. She missed out on so much life and I always wonder what greatness she would have brought to this world. We thought of her when the girls picked out their grad dresses knowing she would have hated the princess styles and would have gone for something a little more edgy and red. She probably would have gone to college for something to do with animals or something in the art field like Lexie is taking. She may have even played college soccer. We will spend a lifetime wondering what could have been as we go trough all of these milestones with Alexis and Kennedy but we don't let that sadness take away from these moments. 

Grief Land is an ok place to visit now and then but you can't live there. 

Love and Laughter, 

~Jen ~