"Unsteady"

I was absolutely blown away by the response from my first blog post. I thought maybe one person (probably my Mom) would read it and that would be it. Thank you to everyone that took the time to read the beginning of our story and asked me to keep writing. I've been thinking hard about what to share next but my brain has been so foggy the last few days I honestly am not even sure what day it is. My mind keeps going back to last Tuesday and rolling like a movie flashback. The second the phone call came through I went into shock. I remember telling Jason to wait for me while I threw on pants and a bra and quickly brushed my teeth and then telling Kennedy that Jason and I had to run to an emergency but everything was fine and to go back to sleep. It was the wee hours of the morning, most people not quite up for work yet, and there was little traffic on the road. I have no idea how I drove my car across town but when we pulled up in front of the house and I saw the police cruiser reality hit me like a brick. I was almost sure I was going to throw up when we entered the house and the sorrowful lament of a grief stricken mother assailed me. I watched helplessly as Jason held the woman who had given him his only child and sobbed.

You might think it strange but the first person I called was my ex husband and his wife. It was four in the morning on the west coast and I could tell when Todd answered the phone he knew it wasn't good news. He kept saying "Oh my god" and my response was "I don't know what to do". He didn't give me some bullshit answer but reminded me I needed to look after Jayse and said to keep him posted if I learned anything new or we needed anything. And that's when the switch in my brain finally flicked on and I realized that I didn't have the luxury of being an anguished step-parent, I needed to be the wife to a husband with Bipolar Disorder (BPD) who has just suffered an insurmountable loss. It's been a long time since I've had to think about the steps to get Jason through a crisis. I mentally checked off all the things that needed to be done and moved swiftly to put my plan into place. I often joke about having a purse full of Ativan but I was grateful to have it that morning and Jason took one when offered without question. I could start to see the stress settling in even with meds on board. Jason was pacing and chain smoking but how much of that was the BPD and how much was from the situation at hand? That's one of the hardest things about caring for someone with a mental illness, you're never quite sure where the boundary lies between normal expected behaviors and the disease. I wasn't taking any chances. As soon as I could I put a call into to his Psychiatrist explaining the gravity of the situation to the secretary and begging for her to have the doctor call us as soon as possible. She called me back within the hour to book an appointment for that afternoon and to let me know the doctor would be calling me to get the details before we arrived. It was a grim visit. Both of us in tears while the doctor sat stony faced listening to us recount the mornings events. All the meds in the world could do nothing to ease my husbands pain that day but she wrote him a prescription for a quick release anti-psychotic to help him sleep and we made plans to meet again the next day. Jayse didn't want to sleep that first night and was upset with me when I insisted he take the meds and go to bed. He might not have wanted to rest but my mind needed it desperately and there was no way I was drifting off without him out cold beside me. Even then it was a fitful night sleep for both of us, he tossed and turned and I did my best to keep one hand on him the whole night so I would wake up if he got out of bed. For the first three days I made sure Jayse was never alone, I even had his parents sit with him while I took a shower and had a buddy come hang out with him so I could get a coffee and watch the girls cheer. The doctor figures if a "crash" is coming it will happen in the next four to six weeks. Right now we are doing ok, trying to keep busy and holding each other tight when the waves of grief hit. The support of our friends and family have been the key to getting us through these early days and we are so blessed to have such wonderful people in our lives.

Everyone keeps telling me I have to look after myself but what they don't understand is that when I know Jason is ok then I'll be ok. Since his diagnosis we have been able to work together to "fix" things and make our life pretty normal . We can't fix this, we have to embrace the experience of grief and let it mold and shape us as we heal but not let it beat us. We are a strong couple and we have been through more in our nine years together than most couples deal with in a lifetime. I try to look at all of the hardships as lessons that are making me into the person that I was intended to be when I was put on this earth. The easiest part is loving my tender hearted husband and being thankful that I was given such and amazing gift when he came into my life.

Love and Laughter,
Jen