How To Save a Life

"I'm OK"

"Well I'm not" 

    I cried in the doctor's office on Friday. My poor doctor, I really did feel bad for him. Jayse had an appointment in the morning to discuss treatment options for his knee pain since the oxy is no longer an option and of course I went with him. I was fine during his appointment but a few hours later at my own appointment, alone, I cried. I'm not as strong as I was before McKynley died or maybe it's that I realize how fragile and short life is now. Either way I feel like I am not holding it together like I did before. 

    Just over two weeks ago I was on the way home from dropping Kennedy off at cheer when Jayse called me. I knew immediately by the sound of his voice that something was wrong and I was a solid 25 minutes away from home. I started talking to him to see exactly where his brain was at but I wasn't speaking to my husband, it was that other guy that shows up during manic episodes. Psychosis is absolutely terrifying because it's unpredictable, the lights are on but nobody is home. At least nobody that can process a rational thought. My parents live about 6 minutes away and they could have come to the house but I didn't want to hang up with Jayse to call them. So for 25 minutes I kept him talking, walking him step by step through making supper, adding extra steps to make it last until I got home. I panicked when he didn't respond immediately to my questions even though I know mania affects his speech and he sometimes can't get the words out. My 25 minute drive turned into a 35 minute drive when I was stopped by a train but amazingly I managed to hold my shit together. When I finally came in the door he was there at the stove and then he was in my arms sobbing. I don't know if seeing me snapped him out of it or if it just ran its course but the psychotic episode was over. 

    Jayse is well on his way to being fully recovered from all of this and after an assessment with a doctor that specializes in Mental Health and Addictions he has been referred to Psychiatrist. A lot of interesting things came out during the assessment that would be worth sharing in another blog sometime if anyone is interested. Our family doctor was given the green light to prescribe him a medication for pain that we know works well with his other meds and he is being watched closely by both the doctor and myself.  Jayse says he's ok but I'm not ok. The doctor says I have Adjustment Disorder which is a bit like post traumatic stress but cause by a stressor not a trauma. Not surprising given our history.  He's increased my anti-anxiety medication and recommended I see a therapist and stay off work until the New Year. That comes with it's own anxiety but it wouldn't be fair to anyone for me to go back in this frame of mind. I'm hopeful the increase in meds will get me back sooner, I do enjoy working and getting out of the house everyday has its benefits. 

   The one big change I have noticed since the last time we went through this is the increased support for the caregiver. The nurses at the hospital were so great and understanding with me, giving me regular updates since Covid didn't allow me to be with him there. My doctor saw I was a wreck and asked what he could do to help. And even though I've always had an amazing support system and my Dad constantly reminds me I don't have to do things alone it was nice to know if I did have to do it alone there is a little more support out there now.  

    I'm not feeling super chatty about all of this but I know lots of you were wondering how things are going and I appreciate that SO much so I wanted to give you a quick update. We are still here fighting and winning this battle together. 

Love and Laughter, 

Jen