"Fade To Black "

I’ve sat at my computer many times with the intention of sharing my families story and day to day adventures dealing with Bipolar Disorder but never really knew where to start or even if it would be that interesting. It wasn’t until last week that I realized the importance of speaking out and letting others know that they are not alone in their metal health struggles. My sixteen-year-old step-daughter, who has been struggling with depression, felt that there was no other option for her in this world than to take her own life. She had an incredible support system with a counsellor and a psychiatrist who were treating her and family and friends that were the centre of her world. But the demons that come with depression along with a med change, typical teenage issues and relentless bullying proved to be too much for her sweet soul to bare.  

This blog will not only be a way to share our grief as we morn the loss of a child from suicide but also how my family lives with my husbands Bipolar Disorder and stories of our daily adventures. It will be a serious beginning but I promise as we go on my sense of humour and sarcasm will shine through the darkness. This is my outlet. I don’t mince words or hold back so be prepared for real life emotions when you come here. Some days it might bring laughter and some days tears but it will always be honest and transparent.

In the spring of 2014, not quite a year into our marriage, my husband Jason was suffering from a body tremor that would often make it impossible for him to sit still. These bouts of what we would later learn were called akathisia had been going on here and there for the better part of four years. He had been to several neurologists and a neurosurgeon and had undergone all sorts of tests looking for tumours and other disorders to no avail. I was convinced he had everything from diabetes to cancer (thanks WebMD). For periods of time he would be fine and so we started putting the episodes off to him being sleep deprived or ill or that the untreated mono that he had back in 2010 had had some lasting effects. And then I started thinking back a little. Just prior to getting mono Jason’s behavior had become erratic. The best way to describe it would be a five-year-old that stayed up all night eating candy and then told they were leaving for Disneyland. Jason is naturally outgoing and energetic but even this was over the top for him and it was causing some major issues in our relationship. But it was short lived and other than increasing mood swings and an insatiable sex drive we were doing ok. In December of 2011, just after our engagement Jason’s Mom had a stroke and so we moved across town to be closer to his parents. As a couple we were struggling. Jason’s mood swings would make my head spin and he would often lash out at the kids or myself over seemingly nothing. His high sex drive was becoming overwhelming for me and I was tired of being pawed at all the time. Couple that with not knowing if he was angry with me half the time and his lashing out and then switching to being the sweetest fiancé ever, I wasn’t sure we were going to last long enough to tie the knot. But again, the good times outweighed the bad and on Valentines day in 2013 a JP came to our home and we sealed the deal. At this point the akathisia had started and Jason would often be exhausted with circles around his eyes so dark they were almost black and he was almost always short tempered with myself or the girls. He was also dealing with chronic pain and our GP had him trying a slew of different meds to try and combat the aches and pains we believed to be brought on by his hours spent at the gym every week; A habit he was not willing to give up and has been a saving grace for us in the years since. My good friend repeatedly suggested we get a referral to a psychiatrist. Her husband who happens to be Jays childhood friend suffers from Bipolar Disorder and she said Jason hit all the marks. Jason brushed me off when I mentioned it to him claiming it was nothing for me to worry about but I worried constantly. At the end of February 2014 Jason had a terrible fight with his daughter (who was then 12 years old) and her mother about plans for our custody that weekend. That little bit of stress combined with all his other symptoms was enough to push Jason over the edge and I was sure he was having a nervous breakdown. He didn’t sleep for almost 3 weeks. He would lay in our bed and toss and turn all night and cry that he wanted to die because his body was shaking so badly he could hardly speak. I’d have to stop him from hitting himself in the head with his fist, he was looking for an escape. His coworkers were starting to notice his distress and he was sent home from work multiple times. I finally got up the nerve to insist he make a trip to the ER and talk to the on-call Psychiatrist and that’s where our journey into the metal illness world began. We found out that all of it: the shakes, the insomnia, the mood swings, high sex drive and the chronic pain were all being caused by some sort of mental disorder. One thing you need to realize about Psychiatrists is that they are not quick to label. Even now, three and a half years later, we don’t have a definitive diagnosis other than we know Jason falls somewhere on the bipolar spectrum maybe closer to schizophrenia. It’s a scary thing to have to face and it’s exhausting for the caregiver because you live in a constant state of high vigilance and worry.

Bipolar Disorder used to be called Manic depression. It’s a mood disorder that can cause periods of deep depression and periods of what is called mania. I’m not an expert or any kind of medical professional but I have learned a lot of things along the way and I’ve educated myself to better help my husband and our family cope. People often think of mania as being euphoric and happy all the time but it can also cause irritability and anger as well as risky behaviors. The depression can be physically painful and emotionally debilitating. I have often compared being Bipolar to being like tinfoil. Bright and shiny on one side and dull and lacklustre on the other. Along with the Bipolar Disorder Jason also suffers from mild obsessive compulsive disorder and severe anxiety. He has facial and vocal ticks that you probably wouldn’t notice if you weren’t paying attention and we are not sure if these are caused by his medications or just another symptom of his illness. This is a lot for one person to handle but he does with grace and integrity. He has tried three anti-psychotics (the category of drugs used to treat many mental illnesses), more anti-depressants than I can think of, at least two benzodiazepines for the anxiety and pills for sleep to help with the manic insomnia. Finding a combination of meds that works with as few side effects as possible has taken a long time. The med changes are the scariest times because you never know exactly what to expect. I lay awake at night wondering if he will “crash” and go into a full bipolar episode knowing fully well that his mind is going a mile a minute and that thoughts of self harm or suicide are a reality. Of course all of this can happen while still on the meds but you learn to recognize the signs and I can pretty much tell he is going high or low before he even realizes it himself. We see his psychiatrist regularly, always together, and she is fantastic at what she does. Letting your patient be in control of their own treatment plan makes all the difference when it comes to med compliance and that is the key to living a normal life. Jason has been stable for about a year after starting a new medication last fall. He has gone from taking upwards of five medications a day to just two with the odd rescue pill needed here and there in anxious moments. We have a solid routine that we stick to at home and he works out everyday at a gym close to where we live. Sometimes on an unstable day a good workout is all it takes to settle things down and I am glad it is something he has been doing for the last 10 years and enjoys.

Now we have new waters to navigate. How do you move on after the death of child? They say time heals all wounds but this one will leave an everlasting scar on our hearts. We don’t have any answers yet but we have each other and that’s a good place to start.

               

Love and Laughter,

Jen