If you Google "finding dimes" you will get an infinite number of search results telling of the spiritual significance of such things. Over the last week or so I have found quite a few dimes in the strangest of places. Outside the girls bedrooms, at the bottom of our stairs, under the seat of Jason's Jeep and a single dime glinting in the sunshine during a walk. Every time I pick one up I have two contradicting trains of thought. The first is that it must be a message from Mick telling us that she's alright and the second is that I am looking for signs that there is something else out there for us when we die. McKynleys passing has me questioning pretty much everything I've come to believe and doubting all the tools I've gained to deal with life's unexpected circumstances. My strong foundation has been shaken hard and it is starting to show a few cracks.
I didn't grow up in a religious home. I went to Sunday school for a while when I was in first or second grade and my family sometimes went to mass on Christmas Eve or Easter Sunday. When Jason's mental illness started to make an appearance I knew I needed something more than just the little bit of Godly teaching I received when I was a kid to get me through. I abandoned what I had always thought I believed and embraced a new way of thinking when I realized that organized religion was not for me and I began to study Wicca. It's all about checks and balances and putting as much positivity out into the world as you can and I believe that we are put on earth to learn a specific lesson or set of lessons in order for us to be perfect souls when we go to the Summerland. I've embraced the idea that Jason's mental illness is teaching me compassion and empathy and patience and these are things that I need to learn for my own eventual journey to the afterlife. The part I'm struggling with now is what kind of lesson the death of a child by their own hand is supposed to be teaching me. I'm not learning to be a better person because this happened. It's making me bitter and angry and leaving me asking what the hell the point is of trying to be a good person when this type of horrible event is going to happen anyway. My balance is out of whack and I feel like I'm teetering on the edge of a black hole.
I have seen many sad sights in the last two weeks but there are two that I will carry in my heart forever; Sweet Alexis standing over her step-sisters open casket with tears spilling down her cheeks as she struggled to find her composure in a room full of strangers and my husband dressing for his daughters funeral. These are things that I never imagined I would have to witness in my lifetime and I'm absolutely furious that I had to see them. Children are supposed to burry their parents not the other way around. Jason asked me why everyone else isn't sad and at first I didn't understand what he was asking but what he was getting at was how life can continue to go on like nothing happened when his daughter is dead and we are consumed with grief.
I'm not really sure where to go from here. I'm trying to find at least one thing everyday to be thankful for no matter how small it might be in hopes that I can shift my thinking away from the anger. I keep trying to remind myself that this is nobody's fault and that everyday it will get a little bit easier but it's hard to believe that when I'm wiping away my husbands tears or holding one of the girls in my arms while they weep. As a parent I have had a few less than shining moments and I feel guilty about my sharp responses when I know that they are just trying to help. The anguish of watching Jason mourn his child and knowing there is nothing I can do to take his pain away is as bad as the grief itself and I hold him extra tight for my benefit as much as his. If nothing else I hope the love we have for each other will set us on the path to healing.
Love and laughter,
Jen
You have every right to be angry, to grieve, to find some way to survive and thrive as a broken family in this unwanted and unwelcome new way of living. You are right to try and find tiny glimpses of hope. Wether it be a dime or a rainbow. None of you will ever be as you were before but slowly your days and weeks will return filled with happiness and there will be days and weeks that will hurt as a memory floods in. On those days hold each other tighter than usual. I love you and cry tears as I read your blogs because I hate that you all have to go through this.
ReplyDeleteMy heart goes out for all of you in this harder than hard time.
ReplyDeletePlease understand that our lives are not going on...we feel just as helpless as you to right a world changed drastically. We wish we had the right words to instantly make the world seem right and liveable again for all of your family. We ,too, are searching in our own ways and space to find a way to make sure you have the time to heal Jason. For me words seem so inadequate to say to you all but know that whatever the path, whatever the emotions, whether it be rage, despair, small glimmers of joy in seeing your other children succeed or laugh or even numbness for a time, we will be there. Jen, I pray and please know that I pray your family finds its balance again. I pray you step back from the hole and see that you truly have created a large platform to stand safely on and that this blog, which may be your method of healing is truly helping others walk this path with your family so we might be of better service in the world. Please know you stand as a beacon of dignity when all else went to shit. Your blog is what we need right now to make sure our lives check and balance. Thank you. Bless you all.
ReplyDeleteBeautiful words. Raw and honest. Be angry, be sad, be hopeful, be grateful - just be you. I wish I had some worldly advice to give Jen - but I don't know that I do. I can share that when Nanny died - I was angry - I still am at times. I still cry at times. Sometimes its a song, a scent, a flower - things that remind me of her. I miss her every damned day and I am most angry that we were all robbed of time with her. There will always be a giant void. For a time - I stopped believing in God. Why would God take someone so wonderful and cause so much pain? I too looked for signs to answer questions and to this day I still do. Every time I see a butterfly (there is a story behind that) I feel that she is near and that somehow she lives on. I live on the 35th floor of a high rise and butterflies find their way to me. At work last week looking out the window of the office tower and there was a butterfly on the ledge. It's October!! It's my way (so many years later) of feeling like she is still near and that there is an answer to it all. It's what I choose to believe and its how I choose to just be me.
ReplyDeleteSo I guess my point in all this Jen is that no matter who you pray to or what you believe in or how you choose to cope - just be you. Being you will get you through the tough times ahead because at the core you know exactly who you are and that you are strong enough, vulnerable enough and smart enough. People may turn their backs, may judge, may expect you to "be" a certain way. Just be you. Let's also not forget that you have some Johnston/Murray in you and that is a long lineage of many people that had to overcome a ton of adversity and grief - and just keep on moving forward. All of that aside - you also have been blessed with a beautiful gift - Nanny had it too; the ability to express yourself in words with such honestly and eloquence. I often re-read letters Nanny wrote when I was living in Europe and although the context was very different - I see the similarities in your prose. Keep using that gift. "Maybe my superpower is that I breathe in pain and spit out poetry"
Love you,
Katie